A Confession from an [Ex] – Inanimate Being
(Of Books and Getting Over)
Hi. It has been a long time since the last time we talked and now I am writing just to let you know how I feel although this is a sort of an overrated thing for you but I suppose you want to be in the know especially about me. I know you have always wanted to be in the know.
Honestly I was lost for words the last time we saw each other. I was busy fidgeting with some thoughts in my head, musing about a lot of different things, however I have found the courage sharing this declaration or confession, whatever you call it, with you in this state. I guess this would be enough for now since we can’t see each other.
I am fond of books and you know that very well. I find reading amusing and amazing thing! I can roam the universe and be into places I have never been into and the most thrilling and the most challenging of it all is to meet people—different people (characters) from different walks of life I never know existed. I can communicate with them, feel with them; I acknowledge their presence every time I flip the pages and I know they acknowledge mine too. It is somehow hard for me to explain the bliss. You know how it feels like when you seem to be there with them unaware of you touching, hearing, and watching like some Harry (Potter) or Edward (Cullen) or some elemental creatures that can read minds and can do a lot more. That’s how I feel.
You have no idea how moved I am every time I scan every page then there’s the sound of the flipping which makes it more appealing to my senses. Senses are well delivered wanting me not to stop and divulge at every detail suggesting me to fall in love with them. “This is cool.” I thought.
Oddly books become my reality. They give me something the latter can’t. It gives me pleasurable pain while books give me a sense of fulfilment or gratification. They do suggest pain, loss, and sadness but each has the least effect on me.
Yes. I do fall in love with some characters from the book I read. I remember just now, when I told you “I would rather fall in love with some characters from the books I read than with some in reality who’d give me nothing but pain like Jane (Twilight saga) who wants everybody suffer with just a word or someone who’d see me as a blank sheet of paper—boring, lifeless being, and someone who knows nothing, being disregarded and despised and left misunderstood.” With them, I love [only from afar but] without getting hurt, without being told we’re not meant to be only to inanimate person who lives by imagination.
I am pained just so you know but by time I get so engrossed in reading everything seems to fade—manna from somewhere. You have no idea how it soothes me when I am hurt. I forget the world around me and hey! I do sound like a delusional fool now. (Laughs) Funny it may sound but that’s how I feel. I’m serious and honest.
However, there was this person who changed a bit of that perspective. He’s not one of the characters as you might think but someone who’s real like you and me. He “somehow” gave me the idea that I might give myself another chance to believe in taking chances. I tried and you won’t believe it, I could! He took me by surprise because I never thought I’d fall that fast—one thing I don’t understand, which is very unme.
To add to that, he made me smile and I like to think that I, too, made him smile. You know I never thought I could feel this “thing” again after all the “mistakes” I’ve gone through which made so scared and too cautious of falling in. I thought I would be lost in my delusion forever.
Although I barely know him and so does he with me I wanted to know more about him. I remember I told him that he might have the luckiest girl because for me he is understanding and thoughtful. He is kind. He is beautiful in all ways. He has some sense of humor. He has the most expressive eyes I had laid my eyes on. He bewitched me. Well, I apologize if you think I am bias for describing him. I suppose you know already who he is.
Yes, I fell in love with him. He got me off guard. I miss the way he held me in his arms, the way he cuddled up to me and breathed in me. The sound of his breathing was like a soothing music to my ear and oh, his lips into mine, that’s scenario keeps on flashing before my eyes. I would like to think those were real. In the very sense of the world, those were real they happened. Everything about him is so real. So for a few moments I’d let myself thrown in a moment of blithe and bliss but all were a lie because they meant nothing at all.
I hate myself for exposing myself to that. I never thought this could hurt too much. I was a fool thinking that I can love again and I could but was not ready to take consequences. I’m really hurt. This “thing” in me kills a part of me. I am losing my edge. I was afraid and now I am more afraid. I am getting more insecure.
He may have given me the same effect as I have with books, but he has shown me the real thing—that I am not an inanimate being and I am vulnerable. Unlike him, books keep me from falling—no harm done.
At this moment I could not think of ways to recuperate from the fall out. No it’s not what you think. We didn’t fight. We, I think, had a misinterpretation of things. I hope you don’t dig out what could that be because you know very well what happened since you are the best-all-knowing-friend I ever had.
I still love him. I still do but I am getting more afraid now. This is so not right. I lost my appetite to eat and I barely go to sleep because he is even in my dreams. I don’t even have the strength to talk and I even forget to be part of the social.
Sorry. I was not strong enough. “Lightning doesn’t strike same place twice.” I will be keeping that in mind. Again, I will be “closing” my “eyes” as I always do to keep me from crying enabling me to “open” them when I am at my strongest.
By the way, I have received the book yesterday and I have read your note. You made me confess because of your note. It was awe-inspiring despite everything. You know I think I think I should clip it in here. I am not sending it back. I copied it.
Hello my friend how’s life been? I hope you’re doing well now. As for me, well, just like you, I am suffering from a tremendous fall out but I am trying my best to cheer up and there is as good sign. See i can smile now often, i regained my appetite and I am back on my sleeping-time-record
I know you’re hurt i can tell that. You know love is one thing that keeps us alive somehow it kills us too. i cannot blame you for falling in love with someone who can’t see you or even feel you because like me you are an imperfect being who is vulnerable and everybody does fall in love and get hurt.
You are so precious my friend and i know I’m not the only one who would tell you that! You are a being with exceptional talents and wits. I love you. I just can’t bear that you’re hurt. I am hurt because you are aching. You are a very important part of my system. Please don’t hurt yourself once more. You deserve someone who deserves you. Someone’s waiting for you out there you just have to believe. Cry it on me and I’ll cry with you. Burst your sadness out!
I, with most people, am looking forward to meeting you again with a genuine smile and crispy laughter. Don’t be afraid. Be strong because i will be reaching out my hands for you. Be brave in taking chances.
Always keep the faith!